NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
