and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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