i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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