Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
