I showed him my bush... on skype.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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