I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
