I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
