I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I will die if light touches me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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