When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Boobs are out for the taking
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
