Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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