the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
