look no pants
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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