i just sent this text using only my big toe
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
my liver is dry heaving
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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