I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
