Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
