First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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