You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
