I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
