No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
