dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
