would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
