My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
