I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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