Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
