i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
