I can't breathe out the right side of my face
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
