I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
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