The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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