I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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