You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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