you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
