Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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