You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
