Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
