i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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