New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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