Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
