I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
