so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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