They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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