I smell stomach acid.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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