Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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