The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
