I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
