i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
