Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
