Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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