Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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