You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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