You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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