a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
