I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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